Yes, I’ve addressed this subject before, but I’m sure it will come up again and again, since it’s such an integral part of what my meditation is about. So here I go again.
Tonight in class, Sifu has started to prepare us for Silent Retreat in the summer. Prompting us to go back over the philosophies we’ve already touched upon in class so that we might be more prepared to meditate effectively when it’s time for the retreat. She reminded us once again about the 3 poisons; Greed, Anger and Incorrect Wisdom. And talked about the 8 WorldlyConcerns that plaque the mind; Pleasure & Pain, Praise & Blame, Fame & Infamy, Gain & Loss……that an attachment is a thought, and that it’s origin is likely to be one of these Worldly Concerns. So as the nature of Dependent Arising suggests, if one can trace back the origin of an attachment, one would realize that it can be broken down in to nothing. So you could say, everything is nothing and nothing is everything.
So this is where my meditation is at the moment. Focused on alleviating worrisome thoughts from my mind and dissipating my angry tendencies by reminding myself that they do more harm than good, and are coming from a place inside me that is not working productively. I’m going to be trying hard to find the true sources of my anger and anxiety, break them down, and hopefully realize that they really consist of nothing. So that’s my intent. I will let you know if I have any revelations as I attempt this, but baby steps first……so far I haven’t been the most successful at controlling the anger, so I have a long way to go.
The suffering isn’t over. I spent all night last night bent over in pain, felling like I was being stabbed in the stomach repeatedly all night, until about 8am this morning, then it started to simmer down. I kept my boyfriend up all night with my moans and groans. He was so sweet and kept getting up to get me Chinese Medicated Oil to rub on my tummy, and drinks and Maalox chewables. I had been starting to feel better last night, so had cooked some pasta and fish sticks and ate them a couple of hours before going to bed. It was definitely the food that started all the pain again….now I’m scared to eat!
My boyfriend said to me, ‘See what happens when you get angry?’. He’s right. He thinks I probably had some mild food poisoning and a period coming already, but that having the anxiety/anger attack sent my immune system in to a frenzy and it was unable to control what would have ordinarily been a couple of uncomfortable cramps. I’m sure that’s pretty accurate.
Oh why do I let these things happen? !!! I haven’t worked in days and am now really behind with some huge projects…..not to mention that the house is now a mess since I’ve been too sick to keep it up.
Hopefully I’ll learn something from this, and work a lot harder in the future to not get so wound up about stuff, and to recognize that when I’m getting anxiety, I need to stop what I’m doing and meditate instead of letting the heat and rage fester in to a tornado.
So, I may not have previously mentioned, that one of the reasons that I am learning Chinese Medicine and Meditation, is to clear my mind of rage and anger. I can get myself extremely worked up over nothing and make myself sick. In fact, I did exactly this, this weekend.
I got myself completely worked up over a stupid piece of software that I’m having technical difficulties with, until I blew up about it, throwing my keyboard across the room in a total rage. I made myself really sick. Either that, or it was an utter coincidence that I got a terrible case of food poisoning right after I had this rage attack. I started vomiting violently, got terrible diarrhea, started a period, developed whiplash and a migraine, and the chills all at once. I felt awful! I spent all day yesterday in and out of bed, feeling dizzy and aching all over. Today, I’m feeling somewhat better, though weak and still dizzy. I’m booked in to spend a few hours with Grace, my acupuncturist this afternoon to try and fix it so I can get on with my week. I’m pretty convinced I did this to myself and that if I were better able to control my anger, I wouldn’t have had to go through all this. I definitely need to meditate more! I can’t quite believe just how sick I made myself.
Last night I went with my boyfriend to see ‘The Galileo Project’, a night of Baroque music played on strings, harpsichord and lute, by a Canadian orchestra called Tafelmusic. The night included an actor/narrator who chronicled the discovery in Baroque times that the earth, as well as other planets did in fact revolve around the sun, and consequently how that meant that Earth was not the center of the universe. He recited letters from Galileo describing his excitement about his discovery and also about his life imprisonment for this discovery, since it was heretic.
We’ve been studying Dependent Arising at Kung Fu of late and this seems so relevant here, though I’m not sure I can eloquently describe my meaning. These early astronomers and scientists discovered that we are more connected than anyone had ever anticipated. That our universe is an intricate dance of planets, constellations and much much more, that all relate to one another. Dependent Arising teaches this same principal. That everything is one. That we are all connected. That everything we do has cause and effect. It’s a spiritual concept, but it has scientific basis. The more I study these philosophies, the closer they seem to get to science. Or should I say it another way? Science appears to be discovering new theories that seem to mirror these philosophies. I find that fascinating. But I still don’t know what it all really means in the end.